this week in Amy-vision
Wow! what a week.... (WARNING! Whining ahead) Well the lawyer we wrote a check to 2 months ago cashed it this week.......putting us firmly into overdraft.... so we did the unthinkable we went to a cash advance place (we hate those places) but this time it made sense... 44 $ in cash advance fees or 200$ in overdraft fees the back would charge us before we got paid again..... well that worked fine however after we got the balance positive a monthly debt we forgot about went through and put us below again so the bank got it due anyway....(I think they're in league) Also this week while changing a tire on the car it rolled off the jack damaging our rotor and trapping the jack between the car and the concrete... I quite Coh/Cov due to it being too laggy to play and to top it all off I've been in a really bitchy mood.... The good news is that I noticed that I was in a bitchy mood and have for the most part stopped myself from being a total pain in the butt to people....
Good news.... we now have been paid so some of our bills are on the way to being caught back up, I started playing DDO again, and I'm starting to come out of my mood so at least things are looking up.
I've been wondering though... about how people perceive me .... is there something I'm missing? I only have started to wonder because people who would normally be pretty predisposed to me have been very aloof. Not just one but several that I know... its weird.. since transition I have had a couple of my relationships blossom into something better than its ever been. However when meeting people it seems that they're not specifically interested or if they are it never really gets any farther than the Hi how are you stage..... as its several different people (trans and nontrans) It makes me think it has to be something with me.... I have noticed that in the long night my conversational skills have atrophied quite a bit.... I want to get them back... I used to love talking to people ... now The conversations end up with the dreaded dead air..... I'm not sure if my natural way of dealing with people is as feminine as some people expect it should be..... To I am feminine so the way I do it must not be too unfeminine..... maybe thats ego... but if I need to change how I act and react I'll be back to lieing about who I am ... and no matter what people think....... thats something I'm not willing to do anymore. Maybe thats it... do I come off as pretentious now that I have a little confidence... do have to much.... these things are too subjective... so I'll do the only thing I can do in this situation... I'll as akk of you out there what you think..... don't worry about hurting my feelings... I need this .... even if this is the only place you know me from let me know what you think....I'm feeling a loss for a subjective perspective.... and all of life is nothing but perspective.
Good news.... we now have been paid so some of our bills are on the way to being caught back up, I started playing DDO again, and I'm starting to come out of my mood so at least things are looking up.
I've been wondering though... about how people perceive me .... is there something I'm missing? I only have started to wonder because people who would normally be pretty predisposed to me have been very aloof. Not just one but several that I know... its weird.. since transition I have had a couple of my relationships blossom into something better than its ever been. However when meeting people it seems that they're not specifically interested or if they are it never really gets any farther than the Hi how are you stage..... as its several different people (trans and nontrans) It makes me think it has to be something with me.... I have noticed that in the long night my conversational skills have atrophied quite a bit.... I want to get them back... I used to love talking to people ... now The conversations end up with the dreaded dead air..... I'm not sure if my natural way of dealing with people is as feminine as some people expect it should be..... To I am feminine so the way I do it must not be too unfeminine..... maybe thats ego... but if I need to change how I act and react I'll be back to lieing about who I am ... and no matter what people think....... thats something I'm not willing to do anymore. Maybe thats it... do I come off as pretentious now that I have a little confidence... do have to much.... these things are too subjective... so I'll do the only thing I can do in this situation... I'll as akk of you out there what you think..... don't worry about hurting my feelings... I need this .... even if this is the only place you know me from let me know what you think....I'm feeling a loss for a subjective perspective.... and all of life is nothing but perspective.
posted by rosebride @ 3:51 PM
1 Comments:
At 11:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wendy was concerned about you after reading this and had me take a look. Yes, I've gotten bad about logging into anything.
My honest advice...be yourself. Screw what other people think. You have to be happy with yourself. All the friends in the world do not mean crap if you aren't happy with yourself.
Wendy, of course, disagrees with me to an extent. While not saying it out loud, she's noted that I'm an anti-social bastard who just doesn't care about most people to begin with. (As she's helping me write this, she's called me an anti-social bastard out loud to spite me. I love her.)
Wendy has her own ideas boucing in her head, but cannot make sense of them yet. If she can figure out anything that is comprehendible, she says she'll send an e-mail.
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