Day, the twenty-third
Wow yesterday was an emotional day... I was goingto post before I went to bed, but I had to go to bed early have an early (8am) meeting for work.. this is the second to last meeting where Ihave to come out to people from my company... all of the bosses are done.. so today its my peer group... all of the TSR's we'll see how it goes.... wish me luck..
As for yesterday, Dad was haunting me again... (for those of you who don't know my dad died several years ago now, before I came out to most people) everyonce in awhile (every couple of weeks) I get to thinking about Daddy.. our relationship was fairly complex my entire childhood was pretty complex even with the whole GID thing add that in and its hard to keep track of even now..... I have wondered why I think about him so much... I know a lot of people think about their lost love ones but its been several years now and I only seem to miss him more..... well last night he came back again and it finally dawned on me..... despite how odd our relationship was .. he always supported me..... he was a lways proud.... no matter how much I felt that I had let both Mom and Dad down..... he always loved me no mater what.......... Those of you who never met my Dad could never truely understand....he was unique at times almost mythical in the stuff he did.... wasn't always the smartest stuff but always just on the edge of believable... If I wasn't there for most of it I wouldn't believe it..... how ever he had his world veiw and very few things ever changed it.. he came from a different time... He was always tough and had no shortage of temper or meaness..... yet he rarely if ever directed it towards me...... I decided that I could not tell him even when I told my Mom.... at this point I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was going to do..... I wanted to transition but couldn't..... I wasn't brave enough or stable enough yet .... and I was young.. I didn't understand a lot about life or relationships..... then Daddy died.... we he was going to .. he had lived a destructive life style his entire life.... he lived his way and nothing was going to stop him.... even death. He's been with me ever since and I find comfort in that but last night it occured to me why I was still so unbelieveably sad about losing him.... why it seems to get harder with time and not easier.... and it because I lied to him the entire time I knew him....... I knew I was a girl when I was 5 so my entire life I lied to him.... he may not have liked it bit you never know... I never game him a chance... and now this person that loved me and I love so much... never really knew me..... at least not the whole story..... I'll finish this up later.. its too much to handle right now....
As for yesterday, Dad was haunting me again... (for those of you who don't know my dad died several years ago now, before I came out to most people) everyonce in awhile (every couple of weeks) I get to thinking about Daddy.. our relationship was fairly complex my entire childhood was pretty complex even with the whole GID thing add that in and its hard to keep track of even now..... I have wondered why I think about him so much... I know a lot of people think about their lost love ones but its been several years now and I only seem to miss him more..... well last night he came back again and it finally dawned on me..... despite how odd our relationship was .. he always supported me..... he was a lways proud.... no matter how much I felt that I had let both Mom and Dad down..... he always loved me no mater what.......... Those of you who never met my Dad could never truely understand....he was unique at times almost mythical in the stuff he did.... wasn't always the smartest stuff but always just on the edge of believable... If I wasn't there for most of it I wouldn't believe it..... how ever he had his world veiw and very few things ever changed it.. he came from a different time... He was always tough and had no shortage of temper or meaness..... yet he rarely if ever directed it towards me...... I decided that I could not tell him even when I told my Mom.... at this point I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was going to do..... I wanted to transition but couldn't..... I wasn't brave enough or stable enough yet .... and I was young.. I didn't understand a lot about life or relationships..... then Daddy died.... we he was going to .. he had lived a destructive life style his entire life.... he lived his way and nothing was going to stop him.... even death. He's been with me ever since and I find comfort in that but last night it occured to me why I was still so unbelieveably sad about losing him.... why it seems to get harder with time and not easier.... and it because I lied to him the entire time I knew him....... I knew I was a girl when I was 5 so my entire life I lied to him.... he may not have liked it bit you never know... I never game him a chance... and now this person that loved me and I love so much... never really knew me..... at least not the whole story..... I'll finish this up later.. its too much to handle right now....
posted by rosebride @ 6:39 AM
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