getting ready for summer!

been a lot of up and down this week..... I had to work on sunday and missed my game : ( and its not looking real hopeful for my next Wednesday game...... I hope I can get one of the other techs to trade me. I cleaned up our house a bit and Carrie and I moved a (newish ) couch and love seat into the house.....It newish because its not in great shape but its better than our last set. I'm currently Washing all of our bed linen's As we've all been sick for a good part of this week. Hopefully it will keep our germs down.....

At 29 years old I got my very first bathing suit in the mail today.... Needless to say I was nervous about the whole deal... but I don't look too bad..... (considering my circumstances not bad has made me feel pretty good... )If I manage to get in better shape I might even make good. Its kinda 50's-ish but those of you who know me know thats exacly what I like: ) At the tops a picture of it (not me of course..lol) So what does everyone think? I like it quite a bit but Carrie was luke warm about it....

I LIVE!

Hi all, its been a long few days but I've made it through.... I think my brain is starting to work again..... I have been little emotional b*tch over the last few days... I've been trying to get my sprint phone back on. Yay! yea I know you work at sprint but you don't have a phone (gonna cost me like 750$ but I guess I need to start communicating with the world again.... Well I called to see if I had to play a deposit and they kept transferring me to the exact menu that i had been on when I was sent to that rep... it was just a big circle.... all I needed to know was an yes or now answer...... by the time it was all over I was so frustrated I just about cried ( I prolly would have but Billy was working and he would have made fun of me......)

Today started out on a good note though.. I woke up and went down stairs and Christy had put the new issue of Intake (its the yuppie version of Neuvo) on the table... I looked down and saw one of my friends (Ryan Checkeye) on the cover...... It was pretty awesome... Ryan looks some mix between a mad man/sea captain/mountain man... and that just what he looks like on a daily basis.....: ) If you see this issue hes the guy in the center on the ground with what looks like a heiniken in his hand.... he really is one in a million... I need to get in touch with him again. Speaking of old friends I got intouch with Justin (one of my close friends I grew up with) a few days back so hopefully we can get together some time....... Its kind of odd I have been getting back in touch with a lot of my friends..... don't remember if I mention did but I've gotten back in touch with Shannon and Bethann my two best and oldest friends.... so things are going pretty well ....... I'm just glad I shook the depression... its been gone awhile... its the lack of motivation thats been killing me...lol

I'm seriously thinking of changing my therapist.... hes a nice guy and all but I don't think were on the same page.... I have few leads so I'm going to see if I can get an appointment on Wednesday... Hope it turns out ok... this will be my third therapist.. The first one I loved but Carrie hated... this one I don't really agree with his method on hormone regimens .... didn't even have bloodwork done on me.... not to mention I always get so embarrassed talking to him that I never end up talking about what I want to I kinda blather on about odd stuff..... I might ask around at the meeting tonight.... (There's an IXE meeting tonight) they're nice people but I don't make it very often so I'm sort of a well known outsider..... better than a wall flower I guess.

Well Thats all the big stuff so Imma get going. Hope everyones well : )

Wow this has been awhile...

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I haven't been to any of my boards in awhile..... I've been on a high tide for quite awhile now... so I knew that it had to end someday....... A few days ago I went to finally get my Birth certificate changed..... In the past Indiana did not put a gender marker on birth certificates... as a matter of fact on my original it didn't have it.... but now days they do and Mine now has a big M on it and no reprieve unless I end up getting the operation (which I intends on doing anyway) Only problem is we tend to be pretty poor so its going to take awhile to beable to afford it.... I know no one really ever see's your birth certificate..... but as it says M my drivers license (which I got today) as well..... My pic looks pretty good..... my name is correct but I'll get read everytime I get carded for anything... so its been riding pretty heavy on my heart .... I've been unable to really consentrate and I've been horribly bitchy to pretty much every one.. So I just want to say I'm sorry to everyone.... and I promise I'll get my act together as soon as my brain decides to wander back to me. It has been a long time since I felt the strains of depression. I knew it wouldn't ever go away but seeing it had been months I nearly thought it did.... but now I know it for what it is and I'm not going to let it hang around..... I've let it take too much of my life as it is. hope this finds you all well : )

First step back into the Deadlands...

Hi again all. Things are going pretty well here.... I have tracked down a possible new therapist and a support group that meets on my off Wednesdays... I feel kinda odd about the support group as I don't feel I really need support I don't think I ever really did.... No mater how much help I had nothing would go right without me dealing with it first.... But I do still believe its very important to make friends within the community. We are an extremely tiny group to begin with and most of us are so different that there isn't a lot of common ground. I'll prolly end up going to the group though... We'll see how it goes. The new therapist I haven't followed up on but she looks promising as she's on the board of trustees at the Kinsey Institute. (or at least she was) not to mention I find it nearly impossible to talk to a guy about this stuff. I spend most of my time at Dr. Davis's stammering trying to explain what I mean instead of just saying it.... I'm not sure if its me being embarrassed or just we speak so differently. Well at very least if I get a chance to talk to her I'll try to get a good second opinion on my current regimen It has had me worried.

Yesterday we went up north and hung out with Nick, Wendy and Summer. I got challenged on DDR by their daughter "Maddy" shes like 5 (or maybe 6) and nearly as good as I am ...shows I'm getting old..... Their kids are so d*mn cute, everytime i go up there makes me want to have one... : b we're so not ready for that....we'll just have to adopt or something later...

We also played our first game of Deadlands... It was really cool to have all of our favorite characters together for the first time. John was playing his 40+ year old (undead) marshal (think zombie John Wayne), Wendy was playing Anibelle she's a kinda prissy huckster (hucksters are mages who cast their spells using cards, so they're card sharp/mages) Christy was playing Dakota (Dewitt) Holcraft, and for the kicker I was playing Vaughn Holcraft. Vaughn and Dakota both work for the agency... Think of the old west version of the Men in Black. It was a really awesome story the last time we played these characters and the fell in love. They were so alike yet so different. Both had a pretty bleak out look on life but where Vaughn is more stoic Dakota is a little more aggressive. Ther e have been a couple of new characters added. Summers playing an Chinese martial artist type who is on the run and Matt is playing some sort of journalist.. Journalists and The holcraft don't generally over too well..lol

It was a new experience last night.... Vaughn is the most manly of men... when I created him I went off of my idea of the ideal manly man so I played it to the hilt and he was TOUGH silent type...... back when I played him the first time I was still deep in the closet 10+ years ago and the second time I was out but still living as a guy so I still had it down. Now its been a long time since I've come out to everyone and a really long time since I tried the tough bit... I tried my best last night and I remembered the way that he used to speak but I felt like I was making a mockery of being a guy character. He was kind of a stereotype to begin with but a good one... I think it may be as much of when I used to play him I had a lot of pent up anger and hatred from life so he was great to vent with.... Now things are going pretty well... I just don't have any fuel.... I guess that's a good problem.....

well I'm off hope all is well with everyone out there in cyberland : )

yay! for the good life.

Today I was off work and just hung out with friends. We playd the first session of rippers. It was really cool. Its set in Victorian London. Our group met for the first time today and were quite the eclectic group. It seems everyone else is of a higher stock than poor Lilly though (its to be expected she's a Gypsy.) We had not one but TWO mysterious warnings. Beware the son with two fathers and death awaits you beware the sign of life..... we also were attacked by a guy who had appearantly takes Dr. Jeckals formula or some variation there of..... it looks like its going to be pretty interesting. I think there may end up being some friction between me and a few memebers but as Lilly is kind shy she's not going to make a lot of noise...(she did get loud when a servant girl crack was made)

As for every thing else, things have been going pretty well no major issue to report. so I'm off to feed my DDO addiction.....

oh in case you all didn't know I have another bolg one with all of my not so nice thoughts on it... if you think you'd like that chaeck it out. its under my profile as -the365- but be warned as upbeat as I try to keep roses 365 will most likely be pretty mean at times...

In like a lion, out like a lamb?

Ah march... we all know the saying so lets hope its true.... Tuesday I had an early morning tech meeting and then closed at work... up at 7 back home by 11. Nothing too new but I did sleep in as I was off on wednesday.....(or so I thought)so I slept in and played DDO (dungeons and dragons online) all day. That was nice got a chance just to relax.... : ) However I got up this morning and checked my email and found one from billy asking why I wasn't at work.... seems I got my days mixed up and had skipped an entire day of work! Good news I didn't get fired.....lol Then at work I go out to lunch to find one of our tire flat so I had to change it...... the end of this month is looking pretty good.

Other than that things are going fine.... I'm still putting off going back out to greenfield for my birth certificate (more laziness than anything) I'm looking forward to our two new RPGs (both of our other ones came to a close.... more on that later on.) In the sunday game we are playing a Game called Rippers

Its a pretty cool Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman type) game. Were playing a ripper cell that has to track down supernatural creatures. carries playing a rich scientist type, Christie's playing a noble swordswoman, mikes playing an inventor, we have a new player playing some one from the order of Saint George and I'm playing a Gypsy who's being hunted by supernatural creatures for unknown reasons.... It should be a really Fun game.... and the up north game we're getting ready to play a Deadlands Legends game (Also made by PEG). Were bringing back our favorite characters from previous games to play in this one. Of course Christy and I are bringing back Vaughn and Dakota. (For those who don't know these characters are some of our favs.... there too much to tell but I'll just say they're now married : ) ) If you don't know Deadlands is the game about the weird west.. ( Think old west where there are ghosts and demons and all sorts of creepy/weird stuff.) On my scale of fav RPGs deadlands is pretty high on the list... check out you won't be sorry : )