day, the twenty-seventh

wow! it seems like for ever since I posted.... Its been a busy holiday....stopped by the fashion Bug and got a couple of cool sweaters really cheap: ) went to my moms for xmas it all went well Got a couple pics....

one of me in my fav of the two new sweaters....
http://usera.imagecave.com/rosebride/amy/amyxmas-small.jpg

one of me and carrie (I don't like it becaues my eyes are closed but its hard to get a pic of both of us: )
http://usera.imagecave.com/rosebride/amy/A&Cxmas-small.jpg

a good one of carrie and has mom in it.
http://usera.imagecave.com/rosebride/family/carrie@mom.jpg


it was a really great holiday over all... I used to hate the holidays but its not so bad now : )
one of the more interesting things that happened was my Sister in law Janet found a signature book from moms graduating class..... it had dads signature in it and it looks a lot like mine : ) I don't recall ever seeing his cursive before... I always wondered why my writing looked so odd... its kinda nice to know that ... after all of these years he still here.. seems like there always something else to learn no matter how much you know : )

for X-mas carrie got me my new coat I posted a few weeks back about, a really nice Saki set (we have like 4 tea sets but no saki sets) and a whole bunch of rose and lavender bath stuffs..... my favs : ) and J&C got me the first season dvds of Drawn Together.... I love that show... its just so wrong on all levels... its hard for a show to be that racy with out being truly offensive...

Hope everyone had a great holiday! if you didn't don't worry they're just about over and new years isn't so bad : )

Day, the twenty-fifth and twenty-sixth

Yesterday went great! I went to the my doctor and had a very good discussion with him..... told him the things I have recently worked out and he seemed really pleased.... (also complimented my coat : ) ) He also upped my hormone dosage when I told him that it had little effect..... Now my pill bottle is just too big.. think I need to find a cute lil' pill holder or something. Then when I got back from getting the prescription filled Me J&C went to teh new international grocery... It was awesome! It was teh size of a wal-mart.... I got more mellon pops (yay! canalope) and some orchada that you can make at home... I could have spent hundereds of dollars there but luckily I had some will left to restrain myself lol

Today pretty much was just another day at work... the new guy started today.. he seems nice enough.... I'm not sure about him though... doesn't talk much and doesn't seem too terribly motivated.... Hope I'm wrong... Billy and I just got everything in order *pout*

Day, the twenty-fourth

Hi all... yesterday was quite an emotional day.... It felt good to get that stuff about daddy off of my chest.... Then i went to teh meeting and was getting so nervous I couldn't stand it...... then Perry my boss comes up to me and says.. I think we should post pone your speach till closer to the time when you tell your store... I had to agree..... then as teh day wore on I started feeling worse and worse... I just want this all to be done and over with.... no matter The big meeting looks like it will be on Jan. 6th and I will start coming into work two fridays after that.. It gave me a good excuse to call for some time off so Carrie and I can go see a couple of our close friends in Chicago..(Naa and Jaa) been too long since we saw them : ( oh well off to my therapist apointment.....

Day, the twenty-third

Wow yesterday was an emotional day... I was goingto post before I went to bed, but I had to go to bed early have an early (8am) meeting for work.. this is the second to last meeting where Ihave to come out to people from my company... all of the bosses are done.. so today its my peer group... all of the TSR's we'll see how it goes.... wish me luck..

As for yesterday, Dad was haunting me again... (for those of you who don't know my dad died several years ago now, before I came out to most people) everyonce in awhile (every couple of weeks) I get to thinking about Daddy.. our relationship was fairly complex my entire childhood was pretty complex even with the whole GID thing add that in and its hard to keep track of even now..... I have wondered why I think about him so much... I know a lot of people think about their lost love ones but its been several years now and I only seem to miss him more..... well last night he came back again and it finally dawned on me..... despite how odd our relationship was .. he always supported me..... he was a lways proud.... no matter how much I felt that I had let both Mom and Dad down..... he always loved me no mater what.......... Those of you who never met my Dad could never truely understand....he was unique at times almost mythical in the stuff he did.... wasn't always the smartest stuff but always just on the edge of believable... If I wasn't there for most of it I wouldn't believe it..... how ever he had his world veiw and very few things ever changed it.. he came from a different time... He was always tough and had no shortage of temper or meaness..... yet he rarely if ever directed it towards me...... I decided that I could not tell him even when I told my Mom.... at this point I wasn't sure where I was going or what I was going to do..... I wanted to transition but couldn't..... I wasn't brave enough or stable enough yet .... and I was young.. I didn't understand a lot about life or relationships..... then Daddy died.... we he was going to .. he had lived a destructive life style his entire life.... he lived his way and nothing was going to stop him.... even death. He's been with me ever since and I find comfort in that but last night it occured to me why I was still so unbelieveably sad about losing him.... why it seems to get harder with time and not easier.... and it because I lied to him the entire time I knew him....... I knew I was a girl when I was 5 so my entire life I lied to him.... he may not have liked it bit you never know... I never game him a chance... and now this person that loved me and I love so much... never really knew me..... at least not the whole story..... I'll finish this up later.. its too much to handle right now....

Day, the Twenty-second, take two

Figured I'd post the rest of my sunday... got chased off of teh computer this morning by Carrie had some last minute X-mas gifts to buy...... Other than the game... had a really good sunday... I finally caught up with Colleen on the phone.. It was nreally nice talking too her... I think I rattled on too much (I tend to do that....lol) We met a month or two ago from the TGboards... she posted about Yay Indianapolis when they passed the last batch of inclusion laws..... I was like Indy? no way.... read her bio and found we had some things in common, talked via email and found we had a lot in common... Hope we get to meet in person soon....: )

The rest of the evening was spen by ordering some chinese and watching Spirited Away by Miyazaki... I love that show... in my opinion Miyazakis best... you can't help but love Chihiro/Sen. If you haven't seen it I highly sugest it. http://www.spiritedaway.com.au/#
Also for desert carrie had brought me from teh local international grocery mellon flavored popcicles.. they were like mellon frozen custard...mmnnn.. so good : )

Well back to work : ) later all

Day, The Twenty-second

Yay! Sunday.. we get to plat 7th sea! Christy has called out of work and we got to finish the story we were working on... Eliz ended up figting teh main bad guy and nearly got KILLED! If it wasn't for Stephan coming to the rescue it might have happened.... Well teh guy was a chauvanist and Eliz has a really smart mouth on her so .... long story short she made him very mad.... it too bad I'm better at talking than at fighting...lol well off to work ttyal. : )

Day, the twenty-first

Oh today was a day.... I think my homones are sucking all my strength ..lol I used to stay up all night and play games or caht and then go to work with only 3 hours of sleep no problem... Well yesterday I wanted to saty up late for the first time in awhile... (I made a new char on my game... her names Gilley and my group that I'm going to make are the spiders from mars, only the true Bowie fans will get it....) well I got to work and worked an hour and then I started feeling REALLY bad.. it was kinda sick like but it was that kind of Flu type of tired.. I'm not used to that.. but I slept for most of my lunch and felt better.

I also ended up coming out to one of my never ending list of bosses... this one I was holding off on because were pretty good (work) friends.. hes been wanting to hang out and I've been playing coy...... he did know until now.... but it all went well.. he still wants to hang out and flirted with me a bit.. that guys something else...lol

well time to try to catch up on some sleep nighty night all : )

Day, the Twentieth

Today went rather well.. seems the locals are afraid of and and snow.... no one cam ein today at work so I had all sorts of time to catch stuff up and not be harassed...: ) Carrie stayed home and the plumber came to fix the pipe issue..... Thankfully....

As the big day at work aproaches I've been getting more nervous about these "meetings" where I'm to fill in the rest of the employees about me being trans....... Today one of the guys who have known me forever came by the store and as he's a quasi boss and I didn't want to put him in a tight spot I told him and it all went well... I was kind of worried about it as he is pretty conservative.. but he took it well and was very supportive..... wish I could get so lucky with the lotto : )

well sweet dreams all : )

Day, the Nineteenth

Hi all, Yesterday was pretty cool.. got up early and went x-mas shopping..... I know I'm a slacker for waiting so long..... but we went out and got pretty much everyones gifts in 2 stops... it was so cool... we expected to be out for hours shopping and we went to the Greenwood mall... three steps outside of Vonmar and we see a little country type shop.... not really my thing.. I was going to pass it... (last thing I want to do feed the rural feeling among my friends and family) but Carrie saw a gift for her dad.. So we went in and got to looking around and in the mist of a whole lot of chikens and wicker they had some really cool stuff.. We managed to find awsome gifts for most of the people we were looking for (not going to say what right now is a majority of them read this page.......or at least know it exists). Then to polish off everyone else we went to hot topic and we were done.. was very nice... never had x-mas shopping go so easy....

On the down side the horrid weather up north stopped us from going up north to game : ( we did get to play over teamspeak so that was fun. (I found out my characters true love is a live and maybe the the leader of the other resistance cell...Oh, Korrine how I miss you ..... Makes me kind of nervous for Anya though... She's been through a lot since they've been separated...... not the least of which is losing her faith....... She went from a very conservative catholic type.. to an agnostic... she's kind of comming back around to belief in her old God but she'll never be able to buy into the dogma that was the church.... time for reform my guess.........Oh and we named out group (after much debate) Tranquility's Hope......I like it everyone else seemed to as well....

Well I'm off..... about to start work for the day.

Day, the Eighteenth

Hi all! sorry for being so late on this one... not that anyone would notice... I spent a fair amout last night trying to figure out how to post a song to play on here while people read.. still couldn't figure it out.

The reason I wanted to is a I found a new band that I really like...(well at least new to me.. its their third album..) the bands name is Lady Tron.. their an english band so their air play over here has been very limited.... I heard them the other night and went cool... There are people out there still making good music ... I was begining to think that rap had wiped out everything else..... kind of gives me hope.... they're a good electronica (sorta) type band..... Go check them out.... the site is www.ladytron.com

Well back to work... later all: )

Day, the Seventeenth

Ah Sunday... the day of relaxation... I think I may have done a little too much of it yesterday...lol My brother called off of our sunday game (the 7th sea one) as he was sick and nearly had to go to the hospitial... thats a whole other story... So when we got up we tried to figure out what we all wanted to do....... well no on decided so everyone just kind of lounged around all day.. I'd like to say I feel bad for wasting a day like that but was really nice ...... we did watch the survivor finale! It was pretty neat.. I was a fraid that Steph was going to win ..... (geez I can't stand her.... she always loses and then she cries about losing and teh people on the show are like...wow shes an amazing competitor.......that and shes crazy self-centered....bah) well at least she didn't win...... I was hoping that Rafe would win... but I knew he wouldn't... good people always lose that game (with the exception of Tom last season)

Oh well, I'll be back later to fill in todays... lets hope todays uneventful and I don't have to do one... not really feelinmg up to a lot of strife today...: )

Day, the sixteenth

Today was a pretty good day.. nothing to complain about really just glad to be off tomarrow.... So i guess I'll get back on track.....recently a friend of mine had interest in the biology behind transexualism..... so I dug up some of my favorite studies and sent them to her.. I figured i'd post them here so anyone interested could look them over......and when i forget where i've filed my printed copies.. I'll will be able to find them again ...lol

enjoy .. oh and if anyone knows of other good subjects even remotely connected to the topic please let me know...k? : )


http://www.symposion.com/ijt/ijtc0106.htm an article on physical brain structure similarities in MtF trans and genetic women

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/transcripts/2813gender.html a good synopsis of john money's grand experiment with Bruce Reimer. Inadvertently giving solid proof to hard wired mental gender.

http://www.geocities.com/callidus_phasmatis/Paper-redacted.pdf small under graduate paper on post natal brain differentiation …

Day, the fifteenth

Ah today.. was a normal day... Almost..... it was nearly a day where I had not a lot to say.. I had planed on posting some article that I had dug back up for a friend... that I though those of you out in cyber land might find interesting... but no not today.......

I recently had a long chat with one of my online friends (Natalie) well we were talking and it came out that there are some eerie similarities between the two of our lives.... kinda like the whole Kennedy/Lincoln thing........ well it is pretty nice to have some one like that cause you know your not alone.. well I went to her blog today to just drop a line and catch up and I gotto reading about some issues she's been having with her pipes freezing......Well fast forward a few hours and Carrie and I head back to our house inShelbyville to feed the cats ect... as we unlock the door I notice that their is condensation on inside of the little windows in the door... I'm like huh...? that weird... I go in the house and here water running.. a lot of water.... I'm thinking my brother mike is there taking a shower...... so I head to the bathroom as the doors open and find water spraying straight up into the air and all over the place..... luckily the water wasn't too deep so we hassle with it a both and decide to head down stairs to shut the water off.... carries not great at this sorta thing.. and to be honest I have no idea what to do...... well we head down stairs and find out why the waters not that deep its all been draining down our vent into the basement........2-3 inches of water down there atm........ well we got it taken care of for now and all is some what well... I think it may have broken carries will though...... Nat... if your reading this I hope your pipe issue went better than mine :)

Well now that I've ranted ... off to bed... nighty night all : )

Day, the fourteenth

Yay! the snow came! I looked out the back door here at J&C's and the lake is frozen over and the snow is pristine...its so beautiful:) the only thing that could make it better is if the moon was shining through to light up the snow.... I love when it does that its almost like another world.....The wind is blowing pretty hard and is cause ing some pretty good drifting.... hmmmn.. maybe a good excuse to skip work tomarrow: ) I think I need some new boots...lol the last one I found were like 300$ ....I think I'll cut their picture out so I can remember them ...cause there no way I could afford them .... well gotta go if you have snow where you are get out and enjoy it : ) maybe make some snow cream........
http://www.cgl.uwaterloo.ca/~smann/IceCream/Snow/

Day, the Thirteenth

Today I was off work and it was awesome..... for one I got off of my lazy behind and got to the court house and filed for my name change and set up the newspaper legal release so that's out of the way.....Now I just have to get the papers when they come out and go to court early next year.. That made me happy and then I get home and my new coat was here... check it out!

I love it...most of you who know me you know how much of a big deal this is.........my last coat was nearly a part of my identity I'd had it so long.... I finally found one that I loved as much and I think looks 100X better on me.... I think this calls for some new pictures...I'll try to get on that soon : ) Yay! hope everyone else day went well.. I think I'm off to bed sweet dreams all " )

Day, the eleventh and Twelfth

Can't believe its only 7 pm here I feel like I've been up for days. My comp at J&C's is down for a couple of days so I figured I'd get both days out of the way now. Yesterday was a really good day I may have just been coming down from sucha good Sunday... Hard to tell. I finally had that meeting with me newest boss Perry.. He was without a doubt the most understanding person yet, as a matter of fact it set him off ... It seems he finds the way gays and trans are treated pretty offensive... I always knew he was open minded but its rare for a person who its not a part of their life care so much for some one else rights.... It was refreshing: ) Too bad there aren't more people like him out there........Today he talked with his boss for me and I have his full backing too.... everythings going so smoothly...I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop..... (maybe a life time of depression has made me paranoid...lol)

tomorrow I'm off need to try and make it to the courthouse and maybe see walk the line...Wish me luck : )

Day, the Tenth

Wow missed a day, yesterday was a busy day though. We had our 7th sea game in the afternoon and then we met up with Summer and went to get sushi and see walk the line...... Well that was the plan..... game went off fine and then we went to drop Christy of to work and meet summer at her hotel on the north side.... well if I had of remember the slip of paper that had her room number and her phone number incase there was an issue.......... so we ran back down to the southside to get them... Ok no big deal.. I'm forget things all the time.. sadly I'm kind of used to it.... Well we picked her up and went to our fav Sushi house (ichi-ban noodles) Well they were closed as the owners were out of the country till next week... then we decided to get really decadent and go to Russia House (if you have never had Russian food you are seriously missing out...best food ever) well we get to the Russia House and its closed on Sundays.....hmmnnn. 2 for two... forget it! Lets drop some money and go to the Sakura! The Sakura can be a little costly but the food there eis really good so we went and they were open ...YaY! I had 9 piece sashimi, plum wine, and ice cream with ogura topping for desert.... I'm not sure if it was the great food or the wine but I felt great after that...... It was just what I needed... : ) hope everyone reading this is having a great day too ; )

Day the Ninth

Today I had some time to think...... in the old days all this would do is make me more depressed but luck some things have changed...: ) SO here what I came up with ... please don't think of it as poetry because its not but it is how I'm feeling at the moment.... : )

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Why is it that when I look up at the night sky I feel full, even though the sky is empty…..
And when I look inward all I find is void? No matter how hard I try?

Once not long ago, I was full …so full…. as to over spill with self loathing and grief…
Those things alone nearly killed me time and time again, from within to with out……

Though those days are past, grief and anger gone ….so long has it been ...that in the glass nothing remains…..
The only question left ....was it worth it? To give up pain and anguish when in life that’s all you have known?

At first the answer was YES! And then it became NO? then maybe…then I’m not sure…
Then the truth itself became clear that it only matters with what you fill the void……..
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Why is it I can only get myself to listen to my own advice when I write it down to say it a million times in my head doesn't even equal up to a single time in print... wonder if I'm alone in that....

Day, the eighth

Today was much better than yesterday.....but it started yeaterday and I can't seem to shake it.. this feeling of being terribly alone.... I have carrie, billy, and J&C around me all the time between work and home but all of my friends can't really understand whats going on in my head...... and I have met some people who understand in my head but i'm very poor at online stuffs. I did have a very late night conversation with Natalie G. and I think we helped each other calm down enough to get some sleep..... I just miss spending time with people who were close to my same age and had some sort of understanding of me ... Not that carrie and J&C don't do pretty well its just when your around each other all then time it becomes the standard and its just hard to feel a need to explain myself.. none of them ask for it but I just feel a need to... I just need to get out more...lol

gonna try to get some sleep .. wish me luck : )

day, the seventh

wow, its been a week already... seems like only a day or two... well I just need to get some things out of my system and today is a prime example of that... I got up late and didn't get to teh court house today either..... got to work and one of teh auditors was there.. a guy I used to be pretty friendly with but hes just gotten more disgruntled and angry over the past several months..... Today though being a special day for me ( the first day of my last month as boy type amy at work!) I was doing really well about staying happy despite the difficulties..... but it just ended up getting to me.... its been a long while since anything seriously upset me that much ... not since before I decided to transition.... I'm feeling better now....I tried to see things from his point of view and I just can't do it... I normally can but not this time its so frustrating.........

I think I need to get out and be distracted.... on sunday Summer's coming up and were gonna see walk the line that'll be fun I can't wait to see that show... even though I'm not much of a country fan I grew up around it and Jauquin and Reese are both extrodinarily hot... its almost like I cast it myself... : )

Close calls and one last trip around the universe...

Ah.... it been way too long since I have seen the bed...... In my note earlier I mentioned that I couldn't make it to the courthouse in time... I was waiting for John and Christy to come down stairs to see if we could stop and John comes down and says.....It was just on the news that there was a big wreak down town and he said it was just a bit ago and on the corner of delaware and washinton.... this corner is the corner of the courthouse that I would have been going through... It was quite bad as well peopel hospitalized and appearently destabilized a building there.... I wish I had of gotten this filed but maybe it meant to be that I wouldn't make it today.... Good luck from bad I guess....

While I was waiting to leave I decided to surf a bit and see what new info I could find on Douglas Adams and came across 2 books I didn't know about...So long and thanks for all the salmon...and some crazy travel log involving DA, a zoologist, and the hunt for a near extinct lemur in africa... I read an exerpt and it looked pretty good. The reveiws for So long and thanks for all the salmon were all really good... it is a lot of his short stories, corispondence, and the begining of teh 6th hitchhickers book/3rd Dirk gently book... I have to find this book...Any one reading this who doesn't know Douglas Adams......get up and go to your nearest book store now and get the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy...If you get it your life will never be the same..... if you don't get it.. it makes a great paperweight.........

I went up north today and played Blue Rose and today was my character homecoming... She come from a conservative theocratic country called Jarzon. She was trained as holy knight called purifiers.......problem is she found her true love who happened to be female.....well she was outed and then run out of the country....(if she didn't run she would have been killed or reprogrammed) she managed to keep the identity of her lover a secret and in leaving protected her.....

However a couple of weeks ago there was a large scale attack on most of the major countries.. so regardless of what might happen we returned to Anya's (my characters) home city (the capital of Jarzon) it was pretty emotional (as emotional as Anya tends to be...) the whole city was under seige and we made contact with an underground resistence group..... and there no evidence that Anya's lover has survived.........I need some time to think about that........ in the course of this game Anya lost her family, her religion and now maybe her lover...... geez shes so different than Eliz.....She keeps getting beat down and she keep comming back for more..... oh well i've rambled too long.......Hope this one didn't bore anyone and be safe all... its beddie bye time : )